Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Pendant in Memory of our Boys

We had this pendant made in December in memory of our precious boys. They will always be close to my heart.

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Plan

Today I had my appointment with my FS - Dr V - He is the most amazing doctor anybody can ask for - so caring and sensitive.

It was a very emotional appointment for me and I think for him as well. I could see the pain he feels for us in his eyes.

We have 4 embryos frozen with Vitalab, so Dr V suggested we try one natural FET cycle. He did a scan and I had one follicle - 21mm - I had to go for blood test to see if I have ovulated or still going to ovulate. The nurse phoned me back and and I'm still going to ovulated so injected myself with Ovidrel and know we just waiting for my cycle to start. Once my cycle starts I must go for a HSG so Dr V can see if all is well with my uterus.

Tonight I'm grateful for such a wonderful FS, a wonderful husband that supported me in this sad time and friends and family that understood what we were going through. Every day is a challenge still, but I will get my chance to be a MOM one day.

Friday, February 12, 2010

"I will not forget them"

I will not forget them

Don't ask me to forget the babies that I lost.
Because for me to do so, their memories it would cost."
Don't ask me to be silent, to let them die again
Their lives are only in my words and I don't think I can.

They are not buried in a grave with headstones I can see.
They're living up in Heaven, and in the heart of me.
For years and years I kept them, just in my heart and mind
I really tried to keep them there, but I began to find:

That grief began to make me ill in many different ways
So I began to give them life they're with me all my days.
Lisa would be twenty-four, and Joey seventeen;
They've been gone a long, long time, but they're still in my dream.

Because you see they live there, they're with me all the time
Would she be this, would he do that, would they have turned out fine?
Don't ask me to keep silent, and keep my thoughts inside.
Because I took that road before and they were like a tide.

~ Words by Mary J ~

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Road of Infertility

Infertility ... a word that alot of woman know but doesn't know what the concept of it all means. The emotionaly part of being infertility is draining and althought you know it will let you have a child at the end of the road (only for some) is the driving urge to continue and put yourself through all the injections/tablets/surgeries/scans.

I went for a check up with my gynea on Thursday and all is well. He said that I recoverd well from the miscarriage and the operation. We can start trying again. WTF ... does he know what it takes from me to TRY again. My heart was so sore after the appointment. We got so far in the 6 years of trying and now we have to walk this road of infertility again. I'm angry at the world and angry that why can't I fall pregnant naturally like any normal woman. I'm angry that we have to go through all of this again. I'm angry that my body healed faster than what my heart did. Will my heart ever heal? Time is patience but I just don't have the patience any more. People say that things happen to you to make you stronger, but how strong must I be. All I want is a child ... is that too much to ask.

Throughout the 6 years of walking this road of infertility I never use to get angry but today I am. You get dissapointed in life and you deal with it, but how do you deal with this road of continues dissapointment. People think you must just lift up your head and go on. "It will happen eventually"