Pendant in Memory of our Boys

We had this pendant made in December in memory of our precious boys. They will always be close to my heart.

The Plan

Today I had my appointment with my FS - Dr V - He is the most amazing doctor anybody can ask for - so caring and sensitive.

It was a very emotional appointment for me and I think for him as well. I could see the pain he feels for us in his eyes.

We have 4 embryos frozen with Vitalab, so Dr V suggested we try one natural FET cycle. He did a scan and I had one follicle - 21mm - I had to go for blood test to see if I have ovulated or still going to ovulate. The nurse phoned me back and and I'm still going to ovulated so injected myself with Ovidrel and know we just waiting for my cycle to start. Once my cycle starts I must go for a HSG so Dr V can see if all is well with my uterus.

Tonight I'm grateful for such a wonderful FS, a wonderful husband that supported me in this sad time and friends and family that understood what we were going through. Every day is a challenge still, but I will get my chance to be a MOM one day.

"I will not forget them"

I will not forget them

Don't ask me to forget the babies that I lost.

Because for me to do so, their memories it would cost."

Don't ask me to be silent, to let them die again

Their lives are only in my words and I don't think I can.

They are not buried in a grave with headstones I can see.

They're living up in Heaven, and in the heart of me.

For years and years I kept them, just in my heart and mind

I really tried to keep them there, but I began to find:

That grief began to make me ill in many different ways

So I began to give them life they're with me all my days.

Lisa would be twenty-four, and Joey seventeen;

They've been gone a long, long time, but they're still in my dream.

Because you see they live there, they're with me all the time

Would she be this, would he do that, would they have turned out fine?

Don't ask me to keep silent, and keep my thoughts inside.

Because I took that road before and they were like a tide.

~ Words by Mary J ~

The Road of Infertility

Infertility ... a word that alot of woman know but doesn't know what the concept of it all means. The emotionaly part of being infertility is draining and althought you know it will let you have a child at the end of the road (only for some) is the driving urge to continue and put yourself through all the injections/tablets/surgeries/scans.

I went for a check up with my gynea on Thursday and all is well. He said that I recoverd well from the miscarriage and the operation. We can start trying again. WTF ... does he know what it takes from me to TRY again. My heart was so sore after the appointment. We got so far in the 6 years of trying and now we have to walk this road of infertility again. I'm angry at the world and angry that why can't I fall pregnant naturally like any normal woman. I'm angry that we have to go through all of this again. I'm angry that my body healed faster than what my heart did. Will my heart ever heal? Time is patience but I just don't have the patience any more. People say that things happen to you to make you stronger, but how strong must I be. All I want is a child ... is that too much to ask.

Throughout the 6 years of walking this road of infertility I never use to get angry but today I am. You get dissapointed in life and you deal with it, but how do you deal with this road of continues dissapointment. People think you must just lift up your head and go on. "It will happen eventually"

Sadness ...

29 January 2010

Today is 2 months since I lost my precious boys. The last week has not been easy and I was feeling very sad and the only thing I want to do is fall pregnant and feel the love again I felt for these two babies, but unfortunately the pain will always be there and the emptiness.

I have been keeping myself extremely busy so I don't have to think of what could have been. The mind is a very powerful thing and sometimes I wish I can find the off switch. I have been seeing a therapist for the past 2 months and it has help me a lot talking to her and get rid of the frustration.

On the 14th January I went for a Laporoscopy and Hysterscopy and my current Dr was very happy with the results. My tubes are open, he removed endometrioses and the septum in my uterus. I will see him again on the 4th February for a check up and then we will have a plan of action so will wait till then to decide what our decision will be.

For now I'm sitting with my own thoughts and missing my babies a lot. We made a pendant with their names (Troy and Thomas) and they will always be part of us. I never knew that life can hurt this much.

I'm a blogger

22 January 2010

Never in my life I would have thought of becoming a blogger, but after losing my twin boys I have decided that the best therapy will be writing. I have so many thoughts and the best way to deal with everything is to write it down or publish it. It might help someone going through the same or similar situation. Who knows?

The past month and a half has been the saddest time of my life. I never knew that life could hurt this much, but the pain gets better but will never go away. Some days something will trigger the whole thing and other days I carry on as if it never happened. At the time this happened in my life the support is there but sadly it disappear soon. You are only left with your thoughts and I was lucky to have such an amazing husband by my side. We got our strength from each other and if it wasn't for that I think I wouldn't have survived or got this far.

I am dealing with the situation and know that there is still hope for the future.

For now I'm happy to start this blog and get some of my thoughts out in the open.